Monday, September 18, 2006

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strain)

When I started going to “Bible School” (a small, religious school) instead of public school, I learned that people are always going to judge you. NO matter what you do or how hard you try, someone is going to have something negative to say. It’s unfortunate for me that I’ve always cared what people have to say. I understand that some people don’t have that problem. Good for them.

I wasn’t fully aware of what went on around me most of the time. I had a keen intuition and almost no perception of events as they happened. For instance, I didn’t think anything of it when we started having church Bible studies at our house. I didn’t think anything of it when the preacher spent more time at our house than his wife. I didn’t notice, as the weeks and months passed by, that the preacher was spending more time at our house without his wife when my dad wasn’t home. I did, however, notice that things weren’t as comfortable at home.

At first, it didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to anyone involved. The preacher was counseling my parents on their marriage difficulties and naturally that meant spending more time around them. Progressively, though, insidious little things grew more obvious. My grandma next door, who often helped Mom with ironing and laundry now and then would get a request to hem up something of the preachers. Grandma didn’t got to the church we went to, but since she helped Mom and Mom helped the preacher, she found herself also helping the preacher. All of these little things started out small and no one seemed to think anything of them at first. As they grew more noticeable, the tension in my home grew exponentially.

1 Comments:

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Bob Souvorin said...

Hi K

I feel your struggles, against your own inertia, against the difficulty of trying to balance the desire for personal concealment against the need to take out the garbage, and certainly the struggle between what nice, proper Southern girls think about, versus what can't be kept quiet any longer.
I truly admire the fact that you constantly come back, you continue to re-visit, and you cannot allow yourself to bury and forget. You are a brave and courageous woman, and never forget, there is no timetable for growth and fulfillment. This is your own personal journey, and you decide when to buy the ticket, when to pack the suitcase and when to step out of the front door.
In your blog you say:
“I want to express the things I can't express elsewhere. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT? I guess part of it is the compulsive need to get things right. Part of doing things at all is accepting they'll be imperfect.”
You’re correct about accepting the imperfect, but I think it goes even further than that. I think you have a choice between letting what is buried in your heart, your soul and your memory out, and set it free, OR to write clever, evocative prose, well executed and composed. You cannot do them both simultaneously. I understand, that what you post on a public blog is possibly going to be read by others, whether or not you know them, and it is tempting to “do the house cleaning before the company arrives, even if it’s just the repair man to check the furnace.”
Good luck, Bob

 

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