Monday, September 18, 2006

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strain)

When I started going to “Bible School” (a small, religious school) instead of public school, I learned that people are always going to judge you. NO matter what you do or how hard you try, someone is going to have something negative to say. It’s unfortunate for me that I’ve always cared what people have to say. I understand that some people don’t have that problem. Good for them.

I wasn’t fully aware of what went on around me most of the time. I had a keen intuition and almost no perception of events as they happened. For instance, I didn’t think anything of it when we started having church Bible studies at our house. I didn’t think anything of it when the preacher spent more time at our house than his wife. I didn’t notice, as the weeks and months passed by, that the preacher was spending more time at our house without his wife when my dad wasn’t home. I did, however, notice that things weren’t as comfortable at home.

At first, it didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to anyone involved. The preacher was counseling my parents on their marriage difficulties and naturally that meant spending more time around them. Progressively, though, insidious little things grew more obvious. My grandma next door, who often helped Mom with ironing and laundry now and then would get a request to hem up something of the preachers. Grandma didn’t got to the church we went to, but since she helped Mom and Mom helped the preacher, she found herself also helping the preacher. All of these little things started out small and no one seemed to think anything of them at first. As they grew more noticeable, the tension in my home grew exponentially.

Writers Block (head)

So I started this blog to write all my inner stuff. Now I find myself attempting to maneuver around doing just that. I find myself editing what should and shouldn't be told. the whole purpose of this blog was to talk about the stuff that I tend to block out. I want to express the things I can't express elsewhere. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT? I guess part of it is the compulsive need to get things right. Part of doing things at all is accepting they'll be imperfect. Therefore, I will just start writing and be content to not make sense. Keep in mind that this takes major effort on my part. I know it's not going to be correct gramatically, nor will it be "good writing". It's just something I'll have to learn to accept.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I got it covered...

My absense is inexcusable. And yet, somehow I feel excused! I need to get back to the writing I was doing, but I have a huge, emotional block I need to overcome. AND I SHALL OVERCOME IT! (Although it may not happen until years from now.) Anyway, I heard a great story and thought it was worth sharing:

Two Wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather:"Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."