Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I FOUND IT !!! I FOUND IT !!! (aka Phasing Out)

I solved the mystery that has been haunting me for at least 12 hours now. A bob of mine named Bob (I've decided to use the word bob interchangeably with friend because Bob is such a good friend that his name should mean friend) reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while. Then I realized that I know longer remembered my username and password and realized I couldn't blog without it. I didn't want to start a new blog because that would be me repeating an old cycle.

(Here's the cycle: Phase One: I get a new notebook or blog or some venue for self expression. Phase Two: I determine in the depths of my soul and / or promise myself that I will express myself on some semblance of a regular basis. Phase Three: I forget, loose interest or forget and loose interest. Phase Four: I get another journal and / or blog and continue to Phase Two again. Somewhere in there there is a fifth phase. I like to call it Phase Five. Phase Five: I find an old journal and or blog and feel shame and despair that once again I failed to be consistent at a thing that I had promised myself and / or decided upon. Phase Five can happen at any given point in this repetitive and redundant cycle.)

I've started working on this vicious cycle. I've been slowly phasing out Phase Five for quite a while now. Now when I find an old notebook or blog that I decided to express myself in on a consistent basis and failed to do so, I feel melancholy / discontent instead of shame / despair. I now feel like an inconsistent, flaky person instead of an idiot. (HEY! It's a start. Quit judging me!) Therefore, now I feel ready to start phasing out Phase Four. I've quit buying journals and starting new blogs (and it's not just because it hasn't occurred to me yet even though that may be part of the reason.) (Quit judging me! It's a start!) Now I just have to go back and work on Phase Three, and I feel certain that I will have more success with that in the past. I'm starting to be able to remember and concentrate better than I use to.